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My friend Erika Veurink<\/a> just wrote a romance novel<\/a> (!), and on Thursday I\u2019ll be in conversation with her on stage at the Strand<\/a>, if you\u2019re free and would like to come hang out with us. My most burning question for her will be\u2026 <\/p>\n \u2026what\u2019s it really like to write a sex scene? How do you shrug off inhibitions and describe a scene in real detail? How do you draw readers in while knowing your parents are among them?<\/p>\n \u201cI guess I should have thought a little harder about the inevitable writing of sex scenes before I signed up to write a romance novel,\u201d Erika told me. \u201cI assumed \u2018the act\u2019 happened as spontaneous combustion, like 650-ish words on a page as an outpouring of divine inspiration. But it turns out, the words have to be written.\u201d<\/p>\n Here\u2019s how she did it, in her own words:<\/p>\n 1. Rid yourself of the notion that the scene you are about to write will be read by anyone you\u2019ve ever met. Actually, let\u2019s just assume this scene is destined for a dusty box under your bed, never to see the light of day. That\u2019s a good place to start. <\/p>\n 2. Light a candle. An expensive candle. The kind of candle that lives in a pale pink vessel you save for dinner parties and other grown-up endeavors. This is its exact use case. <\/p>\n 3. Prepare for the inner critic, who loves nothing more than a sex scene unwritten. Sauntering into your subconscious, he\u2019ll offer heartless reminders of your high school ex-boyfriend and general notes on your inability to perform any task in front of you. Kindly see him out. <\/p>\n 4. Assemble some source of external courage. I opt for dark chocolate chips, but this might be the time to go full-tilt Hemingway with a finger or two of whiskey or a cute little jam jar fizzing with a crisp white.<\/p>\n 5. Be comforted by the books you\u2019ve assembled \u2014 like, Honey and Spice<\/a>, You Made a Fool of Death With Your Beauty<\/a>, First-Time Caller<\/a> \u2014 that tower symbolically around your writing space. Other people have written sex scenes and lived to tell the tale.<\/p>\n 6. You\u2019ll need poetry<\/a>, and lots of it. Because no one is as unapologetically horny as poets.<\/p>\n 7. Find a playlist without words and lots of yearning (think: Sade and Prince). Play it on the softest volume possible to drown out your neighbor\u2019s crying baby or the sound of oil simmering in the kitchen while your husband makes dinner.<\/p>\n 8. You\u2019ll need to write a very shitty first draft. Dive in headfirst. Don\u2019t look up until the scene comes to a close. Reward yourself with the aforementioned treat.<\/p>\n 9. This is the time to recall the way it felt when you heard him shout your name during a summer rainstorm on Bowery. Now\u2019s the moment to retrace the steps of her fingertip across your knuckles under the open Vermont sky. Settle into the memory of splitting a martini on your sofa, his lips dragging across your neck, whispering \u201call mine.\u201d Every moment of electric need and bodily hunger has led you to this.<\/p>\n 10. And when it\u2019s over, promise yourself you\u2019ll never have to ever write another sex scene as long as you live.<\/p>\n Never one to shy away from a question, I also asked Erika how she figured out which words to use for body parts. \u201cThankfully, my editors were very much a resource,\u201d she told me. \u201cEarly on, I was like, \u2018How do you talk about penises?\u2019 They were like, your two options are d- or c-. There\u2019s no \u2018member,\u2019 which I appreciated.\u201d<\/p>\n Thank you, Erika<\/a>. Find her romance novel here<\/a>, and please come join us on Thursday evening<\/a>, if you\u2019re free. We\u2019d love to see you!<\/strong><\/p>\n P.S. Nine couples with the best on-screen chemistry<\/a>, and is this the sexiest podcast<\/a>? <\/p>\n (Photo of Erika by Christine Han<\/a>, as part of her house tour<\/a>.)<\/p>\n![\"exit](\"https:\/\/cupofjo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/Screenshot-2025-09-16-at-4.18.57-PM.jpeg\")
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