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The other day, the boys and I went to the park when a realization hit me\u2026<\/p>\n
As sun poured over the playground and children played in clusters, Toby grabbed a basketball and Anton ran across the track. \u201cMom, watch this!\u201d one of them shouted. \u201cMommy, check this out!\u201d said the other one. They weren\u2019t looking for feedback or coaching. Interestingly, they weren\u2019t asking me for praise or applause, either.<\/p>\n
They simply wanted me to watch.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
A Cup of Jo reader once commented that after her mother died, she felt as if she had lost her audience<\/em>. How heartbreaking and beautiful is that?<\/p>\n And it\u2019s true: When I call my mom, I\u2019ll tell her the MOST BORING DISPATCHES, like \u201cWe\u2019re having chicken quesadillas for dinner, and I think I\u2019m going to use chicken thighs because the grocery store rotisseries can be kind of dry, but I guess I could also\u2026\u201d like WHAT! WHO CARES?<\/p>\n But you know what? She does. She\u2019ll even ask me follow-up questions to make sure she really understands that specific<\/em> quesadilla plan. Because, with me, she\u2019s watching.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n At the park that day, sitting on a bench and watching my rosy-cheeked children run around, I thought about how kids \u2014 who naturally feel the world revolves around them, for better or worse \u2014 are like the main characters in their movies. And, as parents, we\u2019re their original and most rapt audience members. We say, \u201cWow, that was cool\u201d or \u201cI loved watching you play<\/a>\u201d \u2014\u00a0just as if you might say, \u201cI\u2019m into this show\u201d and \u201cGive this guy all the Oscars!!!!!!!\u201d<\/p>\n I imagine it\u2019s one reason why a parent\u2019s love and acceptance and validation and approval is SO ESSENTIAL. It\u2019s as if kids are asking, \u201cYou\u2019ve been watching my life movie from the start, tell me I\u2019m doing it right, tell me you think it\u2019s good.\u201d<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n When my sister\u2019s husband Paul<\/a> died nine years ago, she wrote the epilogue for his memoir<\/a>. Her final words? \u201cFor much of his life, Paul wondered about death \u2014 and whether he could face it with integrity. In the end, the answer was yes. I was his wife and a witness.\u201d<\/p>\n A few years later, she published an essay<\/a> in The New York Times and repeated the sentiment: \u201cWhen pain wracked his body, I drew hot baths, kneaded his muscles, and offered anti-inflammatories, music and the simple act of witnessing.\u201d<\/p>\n Feeling witnessed, feeling known, feeling the opposite of alone in this world. How beautiful is that?<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n When Anton was three<\/a>, he went through a phase of regular tantrums. As a parent, I wracked my brain for a way to help until I remembered some old advice: try sitting on the floor with your child every day, even for a couple minutes. Don\u2019t plan a structured activity, just follow their lead; you can even simply watch them.<\/p>\n \u201cAlmost every morning for the past two weeks, I\u2019ve been playing on the floor,\u201d I wrote<\/a> back in 2016. \u201cI\u2019ll build a bridge, comment on the tracks Anton chooses, or even just watch him and the way he breathes really slowly when he concentrates.\u201d And guess what? The approach worked. The tantrums didn\u2019t disappear (I mean, he was three<\/em>), but the frequency plummeted and he immediately brightened up.<\/p>\n After all, he just wanted to be seen.<\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n Thoughts? I would love to hear\u2026 xoxo<\/strong><\/p>\n P.S. The best thing my mom did as a parent<\/a>, six words to say to your child<\/a>, and trying out slow parenting<\/a>.<\/p>\n![\"toby\"](\"https:\/\/cupofjo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/TobyCollage-scaled.jpg\")
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