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<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nOne of the biggest questions I get after our divorce is, Help! how do you break the news to the kids?<\/em> As with all things parenting, I\u2019m sure there are many good ways to handle it, and it depends on each situation and family, but, in case it\u2019s helpful, here\u2019s the script I wrote for our crew\u2026<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n A few things to keep in mind:<\/u> <\/p>\n Kids like to hear the same reassuring things over and over, so it\u2019s okay to repeat things. You\u2019ll see the script is a little repetitive, and that\u2019s on purpose.<\/p>\n We also said everything SO SLOWLY and sometimes would just stay quiet and let the kids absorb things. My sister<\/a>, a doctor, says that when she shares tough news with patients, they often kind of black out and stop listening for a while because it\u2019s so much to take in. So, she\u2019ll say something and then stop talking for a while. We did that here, too. <\/p>\n Also, if your speech doesn\u2019t go exactly as planned, or you worry you didn\u2019t phrase something perfectly, don\u2019t worry, because you will have a million of these conversations. This is just the first one, and it\u2019s all going to be okay.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Our script for telling our kids that we were getting divorced:<\/u> <\/p>\n Share the simple, honest explanation:<\/strong> \u201cMommy and Daddy care about each other and we love being your parents. But we realized that while we parent really well together, we are not as great of a team as husband and wife. We thought about this for a long time, and we decided it\u2019s best not to stay married and instead get divorced. Mommy will stay living in this house, and Daddy will move to a nice apartment nearby. We will both still spend a lot of time with you, and you will spend time at both houses. We will always, always love you.\u201d<\/p>\n This separation is between us adults:<\/strong> \u201cWe both love you SO MUCH. The love that parents have for their kids never ever ends. This is an adult decision that is just between Mommy and Daddy. When parents get divorced, kids sometimes worry that they may have done something to cause it. But they didn\u2019t. A divorce happens between two parents, it\u2019s completely separate from the kids. You didn\u2019t do or say anything to cause this, and nothing you do now will cause it or change it. This is a decision that Daddy and Mommy made about our own relationship, and that is separate from you. It is absolutely 100% not your fault in any way.\u201d<\/p>\n We are still a family, and we will always take care of you:<\/strong> \u201cDaddy has a nice apartment \u2014 we can show you photos! there are bunk beds! \u2014 and we made a schedule where you will sometimes sleep here and sometimes sleep there. We will always be your mom and dad, even if we are living in two places. Daddy and Mommy will always work together to care for you in every way, like helping with school stuff, making dinner, playing games, reading to you, and watching movies.\u201d<\/p>\n Many things will stay the same:<\/strong> \u201cSome things will be different, but lots of things will stay the same. You\u2019ll go to your same schools, you\u2019ll have your same friends, you\u2019ll have the same babysitter, you\u2019ll have the same toys, you\u2019ll have the same grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, you\u2019ll have the same routines. You\u2019ll still have the same mom and dad.\u201d<\/p>\n You might feel lots of different feelings:<\/strong> \u201cYou might feel sad, mad, worried, or maybe relieved or curious or excited about two apartments. All feelings are OKAY and NORMAL. Your feelings might also change day to day. We are here to listen and talk about your feelings and will be here for you no matter what. It\u2019s okay if you sometimes feel confused or mad at us, too; you can tell us and we will understand. Often hard feelings are strongest at the beginning, and then they get easier.\u201d<\/p>\n You can love us both:<\/strong> \u201cWe will always be your parents. You can love us both and never feel like you have to choose between us. You are free to continue loving each of us fully without worrying about not being loyal to the other parent. We want you to have fun with us both! I love hearing about all the fun things you do with Daddy! Daddy loves hearing about all the fun things you do with me!\u201d<\/p>\n After the conversation:<\/u><\/p>\n Kids will often ask for funny things right after the conversation, since they know you\u2019ll be a softie. Toby asked if we could go to a Nets basketball game to \u201ccheer ourselves up.\u201d My friend Tina\u2019s daughter asked if she could dye her hair purple (Tina said yes!).<\/p>\n Sometimes the kids asked hard or nuanced questions, and if I wasn\u2019t sure what to say, I\u2019d tell them, \u201cThat\u2019s a great question and I\u2019m glad you asked; I have to think about it, so I\u2019ll get back to you with an answer.\u201d And then I would make sure to answer them, when I was ready.<\/p>\n Consider a Play-Doh station<\/a>. Little kids don\u2019t always find it easy to bare their souls and share their muddled feelings. Randomly we had a bunch on Play-Doh on our dining table for a few weeks, and the boys would drift over there, start playing, and open up to me. Meditative, safe, their hands were occupied\u2026such a happy accident.<\/p>\n I also told the kids\u2019 teachers a few days ahead of time, in case the kids came to school feeling sad or irritable or without much bandwidth. One teacher said the nicest thing: \u201cWe will show him grace.\u201d<\/p>\n Finally, when things felt wobbly, I liked to envision our family a year or two in the future, happy and settled and adjusted. It helped to remind myself that this was the best decision for all of us, because it was.<\/p>\n *****<\/p>\n Thoughts? What would you add or subtract? I\u2019d love to hear any personal insights or stories, and of course please ask any questions you\u2019d like\u2026 Sending lots of love to anyone who needs it, for any reason. xoxoxo<\/p>\n P.S. Five things that surprised me about our divorce<\/a>, and nine women talk about their divorces<\/a>.<\/p>\n (Illustration by Abbey Lossing<\/a> for Cup of Jo.)<\/p>\n![\"The](\"https:\/\/cupofjo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/abby-illo-1.jpeg\")
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