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When my teenagers burst into tears and slam their bedroom doors, I don\u2019t go soothe them\u2026<\/p>\n
It feels a little harsh to write out, but my reasoning is this: they\u2019re learning to emotionally regulate, a key life skill. When they were younger, I soothed them, of course, but now that they\u2019re teenagers, they\u2019re building those muscles for themselves and getting stronger every time. I\u2019m proud of them and believe in them.<\/p>\n
After all, they understand that I\u2019m here, reading on the sofa or brushing my teeth, if they need me. They know they can come to me anytime, that nothing they tell me will shock or embarrass me (\u201cI\u2019ve heard everything<\/em>,\u201d I regularly tell them), that nothing they could ever say or do would ever make me stop loving them<\/a>. I trust that they\u2019ll come find me if they need advice or a hug or just want someone to sit next to them and rub their back during this hard moment.<\/p>\n But in terms of feeling<\/em> those big emotions? I would never want to take them away or prevent my kids from experiencing them. Being upset, sad, or disappointed is not a bad thing; in fact, it\u2019s a very good thing. It\u2019s part of life! We\u2019re aiming for wholeness<\/a>! Kids should learn how to tolerate tough emotions, run through the storm<\/a>, give themselves pep talks, and realize that big feelings pass and life carries on and they\u2019re JUST FINE.<\/p>\n The more they experience this sequence, over and over, the more they will learn that they can handle pretty much anything. They will be able to soothe themselves, without needing to seek constant reassurance or lean heavily on someone else or, later, maybe drink too much or punch a wall. They will be able to stand securely on their own two feet and weather whatever comes. How amazing<\/em> is that? Some people go their entire lives not learning to emotionally regulate; it is a huge superpower and, I might even argue, the secret to lasting happiness?<\/p>\n (To clarify, I love talking about worries, struggles, problems, relationships, and life overall with my kids, when they\u2019re calm and steadied; but I want them to learn to handle the wave of big feelings first on their own.)<\/p>\n I could not agree with this<\/a> more:<\/p>\n A few tips for emotional regulation (for all ages): Thoughts? What else would you add to that list? I\u2019m eager to hear how you handle and think about these moments. If my kids are upset, and I feel an urge to go solve all their problems (which is impossible anyway!), I\u2019ll actually tell myself things like: \u201cThis is a feeling they can handle; they\u2019re doing an amazing job building these muscles; they\u2019re learning an essential life skill; they know you\u2019re here if they need you; they\u2019re going to be just fine; go, sweetie, go!!!\u201d (And guess what I just realized, as I wrote this last paragraph?\u00a0I emotionally regulate myself while they learn to emotionally regulate!)<\/p>\n P.S. More about talking to kids<\/a>, including a scavenger hunt parenting hack<\/a> and three words that changed how I parent<\/a>. Plus, 21 completely subjective rules for raising teen girls<\/a> and teen boys<\/a>.<\/p>\n (Photo by Danil Nevsky\/Stocksy.)<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/cupofjo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/Screenshot-2025-10-27-at-11.11.03-AM.png\")
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* take a break by yourself
* breathe deeply
* drink water, splash water on your face, take a shower (just add water<\/a>\ud83d\ude42
* go for a walk
* pay attention to your feelings and name them
* remind yourself that hard feelings will pass; they\u2019re typically biggest at the beginning
* try to reframe your thinking or imagine someone else\u2019s perspective
* consider the bigger picture (like, the Grand Canyon trick<\/a>!) \u2014\u00a0your life is huge, this is one moment within it
* challenge your thoughts. ask yourself, what\u2019s the evidence? (for example, if you think, \u2018I have no friends,\u2019 is that really true? what\u2019s the evidence for that? is there evidence for the other side?)
* if you did make a mistake, and now you\u2019re beating yourself up, tell yourself the phrase, \u201cI\u2019m learning.\u201d (This helps me a lot when I\u2019m frustrated with myself.)\u00a0It\u2019s okay to get things wrong, then learn and grow!<\/p>\n